What Is Enmeshment Trauma? ― “The Family Crucible” & “Toxic Parents”
Most families value family closeness. However, if they go too far, suffocating close relationships within enmeshed families can impede children’s development, including their mental health, social and romantic relationships. In other words, children suffer from enmeshment trauma in toxic family systems. People with enmeshment trauma tend to have low self-esteem and little sense of identity, which is harmful to their social development.
The victims of enmeshment trauma often do not realize they are stuck in unhealthy relationships and even defend their abusers. Nevertheless, in this article, we will explain what enmeshment trauma is and guide you to heal the trauma if you discover you are living in an enmeshed family.
Contents
● What Is Enmeshment Trauma?
● 4 Types of Enmeshment in Families
● 7 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma
● 5 Negative Effects of Enmeshment Trauma
● Recovering From Enmeshment Trauma
● What Is Enmeshment Trauma
Salvador Minuchin, who specializes in family systems, coined the concept of enmeshment in 1970. Enmeshment is prevalent in parent-child relationship dynamics.
Children in enmeshed families are often expected to live near their parents, pursue specific career paths, and provide emotional support for their parents. In an enmeshed relationship, your parents may have placed unreasonable expectations on you to follow their path or fulfill their unfulfilled ambitions, so you may not have the opportunity to make independent life decisions. Family enmeshment can also lead to issues such as a lack of self-concept or difficulties maintaining stable relationships.
Parents create spoken and unspoken rules that govern them to exert control over their children. In adulthood, these restrictions can continue, and parents may find it intolerable if their adult child diverges from this narrowly defined path. When adult children deviate from family norms, other family members may become extremely hostile, emotionally abusive, or manipulative. Enmeshment trauma occurs when these issues compound.
Enmeshment in a family often blurs the boundaries between parents and children and compromises emotional space. Outside of the emotional support they provide for one or both of their primary caregivers, the child struggles to develop their own sense of identity.
It can be confusing for a child to be enmeshed with his or her parent. Their parents may often seem as if they are really close to them, in a way that makes them feel special. They may be told directly that their parent is their best friend, or they may believe their parent is their best friend.
● 4 Types of Enmeshment in Families
➢ Romanticized Parent
Covert incest, also known as emotional incest, is a form of parental abuse in which an adult goes to the child to gain emotional intimacy lacking in their adult relationship. It can happen in either single-parent or dual-parent homes. In emotional incest, there is no physical or sexual component, but there may be inappropriate exposure to sex between the child and the parent. They may treat the child like a romantic partner or best friend. Sometimes, parents may overshare with their children about their sex lives or even be jealous of their children's romantic relationships. It is possible for children to over-idealize their relationship with their parents so that they can protect themselves from discomfort caused by the relationship.
➢ Helicopter Parent
Helicopter parenting is a form of enmeshment at its most extreme. Parents want to protect their children from physical or emotional harm, but healthy parenting allows children to work through their own difficulties. Helicopter parenting imposes extremely high levels of control on children.
Behaviorally, these parents tend to justify certain behaviors by citing safety concerns; but psychologically, these behaviors are more motivated by control and power. Though helicopter parents may appear anxious and worried, their behaviors soothe their anxiety and help them feel in control. Their children are forced to become dependent, stunted, and lacking coping skills due to helicopter parents.
➢ Incapacitated Parent
Providing care to the incapacitated or lower functioning can be physically and emotionally draining when families do not have adequate assistance or other options. The needs of children who grew up with high-needs parents may go unnurtured and unacknowledged. They may struggle with finding their own identity and boundaries as adults.
➢ Scapegoating & Favoritism
Family scapegoating and favoritism refer to children being treated in starkly different ways. The scapegoat child may be blamed for family problems, while the favorite child does not seem to have any problems. It is common for parents to abuse one child while trying to make up for bad parenting with another. As a result, both children suffer from low self-esteem and unrealistic expectations of themselves.
● 7 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma
➢ Lack of emotional and physical boundaries.
A lack of emotional and physical boundaries may manifest as a parent barging into a child’s room without knocking. Rather than respecting the child’s boundary, if the parent asks the child to knock, the parent may claim that it’s okay to violate the child’s physical space and emotional needs because they are their parents, insinuating they have special rights over the child.
➢ Feeling responsible for a parent’s needs and feelings.
Often, those in enmeshment feel responsible for their family members' emotions. They may feel guilty if their parent or caregiver is upset, even if they didn't cause it.
When their parents become upset when setting boundaries, enmeshed children often feel especially guilty or ashamed. These feelings can be so debilitating that they discourage kids from expressing their opinions or setting boundaries.
➢ Lack of privacy around your personal life.
It is likely that a child raised by an enmeshing parent will not have much respect for their personal boundaries. You may be asked intimate details about your friendships, relationships, inner thoughts, and where you are constantly (beyond what is considered age-appropriate).
➢ You feel pressured to meet your parents' expectations.
In enmeshed family relationships, adult children are more likely to choose careers and lifestyles that suit their caregivers' needs. For example, a child might choose a career path that makes their parent happy, rather than that which will make them happy.
A child can lose their identity in this way, perpetuating a loyal bind, either choosing the path dictated by family or losing security in those relationships. Healthy family systems do not neglect this aspect of the child's identity.
➢ Avoiding conflict.
In enmeshed family dynamics, children often have difficulty expressing themselves, or saying no, or expressing their thoughts and feelings. Instead of asserting their genuine desire to set boundaries or let their parent know they are unhappy, children who are enmeshed tend to surrender to their parents in order to avoid conflict or feelings of guilt.
➢ Lack of identity.
In enmeshed families, adult children often develop little sense of their own identity. They may see themselves merely as their parents' support network or as the glue that holds them together.
An emotionally entwined child often doesn't have the energy, time, or implicit permission to develop a unique identity when they have so much emotional responsibility to provide for the parent. When enmeshment is left unaddressed, it can hinder the development of an authentic sense of self.
➢ Complicated relationships outside the family dynamic.
In adulthood, people who experience enmeshed parental relationships often struggle to establish friendships and romantic relationships. When one has spent so many years attuning to their parent’s needs, it can be hard to recognize appropriate boundaries and needs. Codependence in adulthood is often rooted in these habits.
They may face trust issues and struggle to ask friends and romantic partners for what they need. They may also be caregivers for their friends and family members as adults.
● 5 Negative Effects of Enmeshment Trauma
➢ Lack of individualization
Adolescents’ sense of identity is built through the choices and commitments they make. If they remain with a diffused identity and don't have the opportunity to explore and commit, they will never form their own identity.
When a child lacks a sense of self, he or she may become confused about their role. The child won't know what they want to accomplish or be, and their self-esteem will be low. This kid will be unable to take healthy risks that can help them realize their full potential if they have low self-esteem. They may either lash out or withdraw into themselves if they are frustrated to the extreme.
➢ Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem individuals may feel like they have little to offer and have difficulty accepting praise. They may have experienced emotional trauma as children or have experienced significant events that led them to believe negative things about themselves as adults. Enmeshed families can experience reduced confidence and autonomy due to extreme emotional dependence on others.
➢ Being Afraid of Conflict
People who grew up in an enmeshed family may be extremely conflict-averse. They weren't emotionally safe disagreeing with their parents as children, and they expected this would continue into adulthood.
➢ Emotional & Functional Consequences
Children who grow up in enmeshed families usually suffer emotional and functional consequences in adulthood. Individuality may lead to disassociation issues, such as depersonalization (feeling the self is not real) or derealization (feeling the world is not real). Individuals who feel they lack a lot of control or choice in their lives may experience these trauma responses.
➢ Trauma Bonding
People usually remain in abusive relationships for a long period of time because of trauma bonding, which describes the relationship between an abuse victim and an abuser. Trauma bonds keep people stuck in abusive relationships for a long time. Someone who becomes reliant on another person or immersed in them can think they need them for survival, making the bond extremely hard to break.
In most cases, the abuser, or the person in control, has been making conscious or unconscious decisions. A trauma-bonded relationship does not allow for boundaries, so targets will lose control and may even lose their sense of reality once they separate from themselves completely.
● Recovering From Enmeshment Trauma
➢ Set Boundaries
One of the main characteristics of an enmeshed family is a lack of boundaries.
Are you getting angry every time you see your phone ringing because your mother is calling you countless times a day?
You might need to talk to her about calling less or not answering your phone as much, so you'll be a bit happier either way. When you have an enmeshed dynamic, this will likely upset her, and it may make things harder at first, but if it feels lighter in some way, you'll know it's the right boundary for you.
➢ Find Yourself
In some ways, enmeshing may be comfortable since you are not making many decisions on your own, but you may lack a strong sense of self and knowledge of yourself.
Taking yourself on trips, asking yourself what makes you happy and sad, or even picking out clothing your parents may not like is like dating yourself.
➢ Seek Professional Help
You may find it difficult to reconcile some unhealthy dynamics you might have grown up with while trying to change them.
Using a therapist may be beneficial, so you won't have to do this on your own. Check therapist directories in your area or consider online therapy.
➢ Be Patient
Creating your current thought patterns and behavior patterns took a lifetime. Undoing them won't happen overnight, although it won't take a lifetime.